


Breaking Every Chain

by Whis



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:34:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25206319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whis/pseuds/Whis
Summary: Buck is being left behind again and Hen is worried
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson
Comments: 12
Kudos: 101
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	Breaking Every Chain

**Author's Note:**

> 911Week 2020 Day 6: “I’m not going.” + angst
> 
> Tittle inspired by Keeping Me Alive by Jonathan Roy, which is pretty much the song I always have in mind when I write Buck

_Breakin' every chain that you put on me_  
_You thought I wouldn't change but I grew on you_  
_'Cause I will never be what you wanted_  
_This fire (this fire), this fire_  
_Is keeping me alive_

_Keeping me alive by Jonathan Roy_

“I’m not going”

He sounds strangely stoic about it, but Hen know he is not, far from it

Her heart breaks at the sight of her friend. 

He is gonna miss that kid so much and there is so little that Hen can do about it. She understands Buck. If he is not going to the party he doesn’t have to say goodbye and face the fact his best friend is moving to cross the country and taking his kid with him, a kid that Buck adores so much that sometimes Hen believes he might think of him as his own.

“If you don’t go, you’ll break that little kid heart and you’ll regret it all your life”

He raised his chin and looked at her eyes in a vain attempt to look confident. “I already spoke to him, Carla brought him yesterday, I already told him everything I wanted… I didn’t want an audience for that…”

Hen shocked her head, unable to understand her friend 

“And what about…”

Buck jumps out of the chair and in two strides he is in front of her without taking his eyes from her.

His voice is icy and low. “I have nothing to tell him”

It breaks her heart to see her friend acting in this way He always wears his heart on his sleeve but this time he is trying so hard to hide the storm bribing in his mind, trying to look brave and indifferent making himself even bigger than what he is, which would have been intimidating if his eyes weren’t showing a different reality, a broken man trying to navigate a situation that is overwhelming and the only thing she wants to do is to gather him in her arms and give him what little comfort she can offer

He sees it, the moment that Hen sees through his mask of self bravado, and Hen wonders how is that he thought she wouldn’t realize he was in pain.

His whole demeanor changes. He takes two steps backward and Hen thinks he is going to try to fly. She has to stop him or they will lose him, but words fail her.

Buck is a big guy, so big than even in a hospital bed, sick and young and sad, he looks enormous because he occupies all the space with his body and his spirit. It’s everything in the way he moves and smiles and looks at the world because everything about him it’s always wide and open.

But sometimes, he closes himself up and he looks so small and young that it becomes too easy to forget that he is in fact an adult. Hen is well aware that every member of the squad has had a moment or a time where they could only see his youth and vulnerability, and that was something that Buck hated, although he never called them out on it.

Now, Hen expects him to recoil, so she prepares herself for this moment because she has to push him. Buck needs to go to that party and say goodbye to the Diaz’s family if nothing else so he can get some sort of closure.

When Buck finally looks back at her there is a new resolve in his gaze that wasn’t there. 

It’s confusing to say the least and Hen is suddenly struck by the realization that she was wrong, at least about a few things

“When I met Red I got this fear of… Ending alone, just like him… I was terrified by it, I had more nightmares about it than I ever had about the tsunami or the truck… I tried to hold onto you guys, do everything to stay around you, keep you all around and make you want to be around me… But you all have your own family and it’s understandable that they are your priority… But for a long time, I was so mad at you, all of you, for choosing them and not choosing me, and I know it’s stupid and unfair, but it’s how I felt… Now, I realized I was wrong… That instead of trying to hold onto all of you what I should have been doing was to let you go so I could find something for me… Someone who makes me their priority… I’m not going to that party because I already told him everything I had to tell him, I already cried, drank and broke things because I was too furious to do anything else. I did everything you do when you lost someone you care about… I’m past all of that, I already said goodbye to them, I don’t need to go to that party to repeat the whole process again because frankly, it hurts likes hell… So you go Hen, have your own closure, I already had mine”

And with those last words, Buck leaves, even though he is still in the room. But Hen can feel it, his absence. Something has broken, and perhaps, it happened a long time ago and nobody noticed, perhaps that is the reason behind all this mess that pushed Eddie to El Paso and Buck to a new era.

She thought she would find a broken man, but suddenly she sees something else, she sees a Phoenix being reborn from his ashes. And isn’t that what Buck has done again and again and again. He has gone from Buck 1.0 to Buck something else, and Hen is sure they are about to see a new version of him, the thing is, that this time, she doesn’t believe he is going to share it with them.

She can feel the walls that Buck is creating around them and she fears if they don’t do something they are going to end on the wrong side of the bricks.

She won’t allow it

“So, do you wanna watch The Office?”

Buck looks at her with that face that she loves so much, so confused, shy, and vulnerable. He doesn’t get it, but she doesn’t care, she will explain it

“The Office always cheers me up, I know it cheers you up”

“Hen…”

“Buck” she sighs and sits beside him “I’m choosing to stay with you”

It’s tragic to see the way that Buck reacts as if he couldn’t believe her, but it’s so clear he wants to do so, needs to…

She waits patiently, gives him space and time to catch up, and ignores the way his eyes are starting to be red even if he isn’t crying openly.

“Don’t you want to say goodbye…”

“I do, and I did, and I will… I mean, we already had something planned for Chris and Denni… But today… Today I want to stay with you and watch Jim and Pam’s wedding because it makes us happy, and also, we’ll watch Chandler and Monica‘s one because it also makes us feel better…”

Buck’s small smile is something she would love to treasure all her life. So small and yet it enlights the whole room

“Are you sure?” he asks with the TV remote in his hand

Hen knows there will be a hell to pay. They are being selfish, she knows it and Buck probably knows it, they are hurting people and their phones will start to ring any moment now. Karen will get mad, and Eddie will be so disappointed, and Chris, that kid deserves better, she knows he does but she will be there for them another day, at another moment. She will have to do a lot of calls. 

But right now, Buck is the one who needs her, and perhaps she needs him, she needs the certainty she won’t be losing him too

“I’m sure Buck. I’m not going anywhere”

“You should go through”

“I know”

“You can be fashionable late,” he says after a couple of beats

And yeah, that is an option, because yeah, Hen doesn’t want to miss the goodbye party

“Yeah, I’m sure Hen, really… But thank you, for everything”

And with that say, Buck hits the play, and for a while, Hen doesn’t go anywhere.


End file.
